Changes:
- My husband had a second major break with reality. He'd been hospitalized once for "paranoid delusions" but was doing okay. This time was very bad, there are no words, and it's not for public, I will NEVER forget the horrors. He was released, (without medicine) and he disappeared for 3 days. When he returned he tried to have me arrested for poisoning him. The previous year had been one of the best of our 22 year marriage. For the safety of myself and my boys, I left. Because we feared for his life, my oldest (19 at the time) took all of the guns out of the house. After we left, the only thing he wanted from us was his 9mm. This time he was diagnosed with 4 different personality disorders, no one medicine would help and some would work against each other, the doctors said it would only get worse and he would eventually not be able to function in the "regular" world.
- My heart was shattered, I never wanted to leave my marriage, but what I realized when I left is how I had spent the last 22 years of my life not just being a submissive wife but being a beat-down wife. What I had seen as personality quirks were the beginnings of his mental illness. Again, I won't get into all the details, they are forever etched on my mind. I stayed until God released me, He opened door after door for my freedom, had one roadblock been put up, I would have returned to my husband. I stood by him for half of my life even through the infidelity and emotional abuse. But I never stopped loving him or hurting for him.
- We never spoke again, I knew if I had anything to do with him, I'd go back. He cut both of our sons off (now 18 and 20). It wasn't a lack of love for any of us, he just couldn't deal with it. In order to move on, I filed for divorce, God had protected me throughout our marriage by keeping our finances separate. I didn't fight for anything...I just needed to be released. Shattered.....I was....broken in many little pieces. It wasn't a lack of love.
- October 26th he was found dead, suicide....broken in even more pieces was I....I loved him and he was gone. I'd held him together for 22 years, I realize that now and sadly might have been able to hold him together for a few more, but at what price? My life? My boys lives? My sanity? I have very little doubt that had we been there, we would have been dead, too. He lost touch with reality and that was bad, so bad. Shockingly, he left me the beneficiary to his life insurance policy. When I asked my boys why, one replied, "He never stopped loving you mom, he just couldn't handle living with you or anyone." Broken but grateful....he provided more for us in his death than he ever did in life. But I'd continue working 2 jobs to put my boys through college singlehandely if it meant he would still be here, in our lives or not. Broken.....into many tiny pieces....It wasn't a lack of love.
Strength comes through brokeness and pain.
Friends are worth investing in.
Saying "no" is okay.
Taking time for yourself and taking care of yourself is okay.
Crying is catharic.
Family time helps heal.
You don't have to understand to be okay.
Faith matters.
God's big enough to hold you up and put you back together.
It made me start a new blog. I still consider myself a princess, my Father is the King of Kings, but the pieces of my life are being rearranged. Beauty out of the ashes and all that. That's why I chose the name "Shattered Princess" for my blog. It's my place to write what I need and want. It may never be viewed by anyone but myself, and that's okay. I have alot I want to say, alot I want to remember. So, I'm still Missy, but I'm becoming "new".
Looking forward to the journey,
Missy
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